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I forgot. Got the windows 7 beta. Read up on it, it's pretty cool. Let's hope they don't fuck it up this time or charge ridiculous amounts for the "mulligan" OS. I mean seriously, they need to offer a rebate or something for the burning failure that was vista.Current Mood:  cheerful |
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Huh
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Feb. 25th, 2009 @ 11:39 pm
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Bored as sin at the moment so I thought I would write a post. Things are progressing nicely as of late. I find the weeks are passing by more and more quickly. This is gooood news for me because it means I wont think the wait for warm weather to be so long. It's getting there though, found myself outside with nary on but some pink briefs earlier this week, it was soooo comfy! In other news, work is going allright. While the 40 hour week thing is getting old and doing the same thing each day is also pretty tiresome I find myself enjoying the reliability of it all. Never really had a steady income like this... with health insurance and PTO. Once my taxes are done I'll start my calculus courses, still working on the grad school thing. Thats kind of it for now. hope everything is going well for the rest of you out there.Current Mood: cheerful |
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Not much to talk about but I thought I would post anyway so I don't get out of the habit. In terms of things going on right now I just keep workin'. Did my taxes earlier, I must say that I love turbotax online. Uhhh... started going to the gym again, trying to get as sexy as I can for summer! Lets see, started playing WoW with a friend of mine again, neet thing is him and I get triple the XP which is nifty. Other than that nothing really new to report *shrugs* Guess I'll see ya'all later!Current Mood:  busy |
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It has occurred to me that some of you may be wondering what my new job (see last post) really is. I work for a company called Food Safety Net Services and my job is to take food samples and prep them for testing to see if there are any pathogens in them (i.e E.Coli or Salmonella). So far t is a lot of fun. I really like my bosses and my co-workers are a crack-up. It may be a lot of work but in the state of the economy, I feel lucky more than stressed.
Nothing else really to note right now, just lots of work and working on my plans for graduate school. See you all later!Current Mood: pleased Current Music: nada |
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Hee hee, time to use my livejournal account for something!
Lots of new things are happening as of late. I graduated from college with a degree in microbiology. For a few months (like 7) I couldn't find a job so I worked at a crappy bagel place as a supervisor. However, I know have a great new job as a microbiologist for a food safety lab. Thanks to me your food can be considered disease free! Well... as long as it came through my lab. I am now living in phoenix and not liking it so much to be honest. I miss Tucson but I am making a lot more money and actually have a car again. As for my future plans, I am going to start taking online calculus courses next month so that I can go back to school for a graduate degree in biostatistics. Oh yeah, for a while I was taking graduate units at the U of A and I decided I wanted to be a career math nerd so thats what I am going to do. Other than that I really don't have much to talk about, things have become very formula.
I am hoping to update this page more often, I even downloaded a stand alone client to increase the convenience of it. I hope everyone is doing well and maybe I will be seeing a few of you in the next little while. Have fun y'all!
CantoCurrent Mood:  energetic |
| » Holy crap, he speaks! |
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So, I woke up a little early and thought I would do one of my RARE posts. Actually I mean it this time when I say there should be more posts to come, why? I am starting my own podcast! Holy crap me and my friend Adam will be starting a podcast soon, should be really funny and a lot of fun. Once I get some supplies then we will be starting it up. Here is the thing…. We REALLY need some server space for the website and a place to actually PUT the podcasts. I know there are a lot of server savvy furs out there and I just wanted to ask that if any of you have some spare server space that we could use it would be awesome, otherwise I’m gonna have to figure out how to sync iTunes to FA, hee hee. Well, time to go to class, see you guys on the air!
Oct. 8th, 2007 @ 07:14 am
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| » I just thought it was funny |
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So I am studying for a huge microbial physiology test and my friends Adam and Werth come over and sees one of my flash tablets and say:
Adam: Dude, you picked one shit-tastic major! This word has like 20 letters! (In reference to 3-phosphohydroxypyruvate)
Canto: What the hell do you know about majors!? Your a media arts major!
Werth: At least in my major (Physics) our words are short. "What are we gonna name this new particle?" "A quark" "Well, this one is kinda of like a quark but a little less, what do we call it?" "Bottom Quark" "And this one?" "Top quark..." "Now what about this one, it's a strange quark..." "Squark!"
Canto: Bah...
Mar. 26th, 2007 @ 12:02 pm
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| » Had a case of the Mondays |
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So, tests went well, good start to the semester. Bad start to this week. I was leaving work on Monday, on my bike, and a fucking Explorer HITS ME. He tried to get passed me and cut it just a little too close and clipped me with his mirror and I do a lovely skid on the friendly road. Fortunately nothings broken but I need lots of TLC to aid in my convalescence.
Further, about 3 hours later I go to the emergency room because I assume they have gauze there so I can improve the dressing of my wound and they refuse to even sell me any saying I had to wait 3 hours so I could see a nurse... so I went to bed and went the the campus health center in the morning and they gave me all kinds of goodies to help me get better, they rock.
In any case, thats whats happening so far. If you all are lucky I'll tell you how Dengue Fever can make you cough up blood!
Sep. 26th, 2006 @ 07:34 pm
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| » Starting over from scratch. |
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(Posted this in my Journal on FA. Figgured I'd put it here too...)
Ok, so I don't know who might be watchin' me or whatever but I guess I'm gonna give this a shot. This will be my first of what will probably be a short series of journal posts. I figgure what the hell, might as well give this a shot right? I suppose I'll treat this as academically as possible and outline what this is about. I should tell you all who I am and what I am about then I'll move into what theese journal entries are about and what you all can expect. Let's see how I do, right?
I'll start off by saying that my name is Canto. I am a single 20 year old arctic fox living in Tucson Arizona. Why Tucson you might be askin'? I'm currently a Junior at the wonderful University of Arizona. My major is Microbiology and I have a dual minor in chemistry and Japanese. I've been told that that makes me a bit of a smart guy. I plan on taking my Japanese to Japan and teach English for a year after I graduate then go to medical school back here in the states and become a doctor, one who specialized in infectious disease.
Through my 3 years here at the university I have worn many hats. I have been a gay community leader through Pride Alliance and SPRITE (so yeah, I'm a gay fox, BIG surprise to you I am sure...) and that has been fun, met a lot of fun people, I was even one of the founding fathers for the first gay frat here at UA. Currently though I have opted to steer away from these endeavors to focus further on my studies, I find that civil rights and such are best left to poly sci and law majors. People like me are best found in a lab coat and getting good grades ;), I am comfortable with this role. My other hats are, I' m sure, best reserved for future posts.
I have not an artistic bone in my entire body, so you wont see any type of art here, most of my artistic talent goes into practicing carbon ring structures for my organic chemistry class. And as for writing? Well, that goes into the lab reports I have to write. So I'm afraid I wont be very thrilling in that regard but I'll post what I can and maybe even a couple pics of myself, that is if y'all are wanting to see such.
As for the purpose of this journal, I suppose it'll be my way of reflecting back on my days and nights, sorting out myself and settling my mind when it gets a little noisy. I like to write things down, file them and keep them. Since most of my life is spent in class and such most of what I write here will most likely be what I learned that day in my various courses, some of you may find it interesting (virology and such). Feel free to ask me a question of you want, I love to answer questions! I will also talk a lot about how I feel, don't be surprised if those times are negative, I tend to vent a lot to paper and keys.
I suppose thats it for now. Tommorow being Sunday I will tell you all about my last week and how hectic it was, but I'm sure I've bored you all WAY too much with this babble already, so much for keeping it academic... By the way, please feel free to respond to my posts, I'm a nice ofx and love talking to more folks.
Sep. 16th, 2006 @ 11:49 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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So, I talked with my mom last night and she said that the reason I am staying with Tozias is because I’m not allowing myself to get over him by still staying with him and sleeping with him and things like that. The thing is… I still love him… a lot, is that because I haven’t allowed myself to move on?
One thing I am afraid of is that I’ll never find someone like him again… like someone sweet, caring, attentive… minus the harassment, heh. I just don’t want to be alone… it’s cold at night and I only want someone I can snuggle up with, but I’m told that that person shouldn’t be Tozias.
I wish I could just say, “Look, it’s over. Go back to Colorado (He has another fox up there who wants him too….)” But the thought of him being with someone else kills me, this whole week that he has been with Knightwolf guy has been like a stampede over my heart and him leaving would only make it worse.
I think it would be easier if I knew that there was someone else out there that I could be with… so I know that I wont be alone because I see all my other friends hooking up and most of them are talking marriage… and there is me… foxie with the failed relationship that he knows he can fix if he gives up everything for that wolf. It worries me that I’m not like the rest… makes me think I missed the love boat.
I know what it would take to get him back. Basically not talking to any other furry ever again and giving him yiff every night…
I really need some hope here, and some help. I’m afraid to leave Tozias because of the pain we would both feel and the fact that I think I’ll never find someone else. I’m scared and guilty. It makes me feel like crap and keeps me clinging to him and I have no idea what to do. Any ideas?
Jun. 23rd, 2006 @ 09:16 am
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| » Hmmm... AC? |
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Wel... maybe I can go... I just need ot be a little creative.... More later...
May. 24th, 2006 @ 10:27 am
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| » Darnit... |
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So yeah. Finally back from DC and back at work… oh joy. For those of you who don’t know I work in the Office of Student Financial Aid at The University of Arizona. It’s a really crappy job where I sit on the phone all day and answer questions that could be answered of people knew how to read a website. In any case, money is money, right?
The trip I went on was okish. I mean I’m not a big political fan and I don’t dig memorials and whatnot so it was kind of boring. I was there with my friends so that was great. The conference was a Gender issues summit. For those of you who need clarification on the subject, gender hate and discrimination is a big problem in this country. In the last few years 50 people under the age of 30 have been killed because they didn’t conform to the gender dichotomy “Boy need to act masculine while girls need to be feminine with dresses and whatnot”. So we talked to some politicians… well… there staff members… about these problems and how there needs to be hate crime legislation explicitly mentioning gender expression and gender identity. There were also some workshops we went to that were fun. I went to two of them “How to talk to the media” and “Gender Rights are Human Rights”. Both were very informative and I learned a lot. We also had the privilege of going to “The Great Big 6”. It’s an international drag king show, the best in the world. It was so awesome… however… there was drama before it. This is going to need a paragraph all it’s own.
So the day of the show we are doing various conference stuff and having a grand ‘ol time and then start heading back to the hotel when we figure we should take a nap before the show. Mikey (One of our 2 directors, he’s needy… spoiled… rich… and VERY annoying… and I had to share the hotel room with him) suggests that he should schedule wake-up calls for not only our room but my other director’s, Maudree’s and her wife’s room, as well… Maudree flat out said no and he said he would do it anyway. So there I was in the room when the phone rings… scares the crap out of me and I find it’s the front desk giving me our wake up call. Mikey didn’t wake when the phone rang and I decided that I wasn’t going to go check on him; I don’t like waking people up. A few minutes later Maudree calls me and asks if I just got a wake up call because she did too… one she did not request. So she calls Mikey’s cell and bitches at him for it and this pisses Mikey of and after that we go to Georgetown for food, or so we thought. Mickey is pissed at us for getting mad at him so he is walking ahead of us and ignoring everything we have to say. As we go through Georgetown he finally says “Oh, let’s go to Barney’s!” I didn’t know what this place is and when I asked him what they serve, under the assumption that it was a restaurant, we did go to Georgetown to eat. He turns to me and calls me a bad gay man for not knowing about this, as we approached the door, wonderful CLOTHING STORE where a goddamn T-shirt costs $120!!!! He goes in and starts shopping because we don’t have a store like this is Tucson… now were really mad. We call him and say, “We are going to be late for the show if we don’t hurry. Were going to go near the club and find someplace to eat there, were leaving so meet us at the subway station.” We, out of courtesy, miss the first train and wait for the second one to give him time to catch up to us. He arrives with a couple bags of cloths… and then gets on the train headed back for the hotel… in the opposite direction that we should be going in and the tickets are in his name! We call him and leave some nasty emails then he finally shows up at the club and gets the tickets, them promptly heads back to the hotel, good. He ignores us the rest of the trip and ditches the conference. Really mature and NOW I have to give a PowerPoint presentation to the Associated Students of The University of Arizona about what I learned at the conference and how wonderful it was and how much of a bitch Mikey was… yay! And to top it all off… after al the money he spent on food that things he didn’t need to, he expects ASUA to pay for it all… HA!
So yeah, that was the bitching I promised a couple posts ago. In other news: I just went over my finances for the next few weeks and sadly it doesn’t appear that I will be able to attend AC this summer. I am planning on getting a one bedroom apartment in the fall and there are some things I need to take care of now if that is going to happen so yeah… sorry everyone, but no foxie at AC this year. However, with FC and other cons on the horizon I’m sure I’ll be around at some point. This does present me with a problem. I was going to use AC as a way to talk with Silver face to face about some things that Fenrir thinks we should talk about… now that I am not going to AC… that’s going to be kind of hard. Silver, if you ever read this we need to talk about something, on the phone would probably be the best way, it’s important.
That’s all I have to say for this post. Once again I’m sorry but a college fox never has money for fun…
May. 24th, 2006 @ 10:09 am
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| » I am so... sleepy... |
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So, here I am in Chicago airport in my last layover, waiting to return home. I'm really excited to be getting back and I can't wait to see all my friends again.
I'm feeling better but it may just be temporary so I'm not going to get my hopes up, I'll still feel these stabbing sensations of depression from time to time.
As for the conference, it was a lot of fun. I went out with two of my best friends, Maudree and her wife. We whet out to a club last night for “The Great Big Drag King Show After Party”. I had never been to a club before so I was excited to go, they even had a continuation of the show from the night before, it was really sexy and fun. When the show was over we all started dancing... the very first thing that I realized was that DC PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING RUDE! Every few minutes someone would try to crowd into the already packed dance floor and they would do this by trying to push people out of the way. We aren't talking a little shove here either, these people were rough and they didn't even have the common courtesy to apologize. Eventually we all got tired of the club (and the fact that there were no cute guys there and any guys that were there.... you didn't know if they actually had a penis or not...) and went back to the hotel. By the time we got to the hotel it was 3 AM and we had a cab to catch at 5 so I decided that I would just not sleep.... I've been up since 10AM yesterday!
Gender Pac was a fun conference overall, I learned a lot about gender expression and identity and how I can help my brothers and sisters in the trans community. However, truth be told, I don;t feel like a very big part of the movement... I just can't relate to the trans experience at all... and I wont be doing Pride Alliance next year either, HA!
I really don't know what to do right now though. Tozias wants to try and get back together after he realized that he isn't really attracted to his current mate. I have a feeling that he is just doing what I do to Silver all the time. I love that wolf, don;t get me wrong, but I wonder if he will be able to accept me as I am... I yiff around and I like it and I' not going to change... can he deal with that?
In terms of the bitching I promised: I'll have to explain later because he is sitting right next to me and is having a hard time NOT looking at my screen... yes Mickey... YOU.... (I should pull out some furry porn... hee hee) I'll talk about it later.
I look forward to seeing everyone again, see you in a few hours!
May. 21st, 2006 @ 07:43 am
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| » One more day before I can escape this tundra. |
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Well, after some careful thought I figure it would still be a good idea for me to go to AC. Why knows, maybe it'll do me some good and maybe I'll forget about some of the problems I have here. Therefore I am going to TRY to go to Anthrocon, baring that I actually have the money to go. The outlook looks good, however.
As for other things, this massive heartbreak I have been feeling for the last couple of days in finally wanning, now only brief thoughts of lost love with Silver and Tozias float through my head and stab at me like a dagger.
My mom made an appointment with a shrink for the 26th for some blood tests and an evaluation... I guess psychosis is like AIDS or any STD... it doesn't help anything to deny the possibility of having it... I need to get tested for this. Part of me hopes there is something wrong with me chemically because if there isn't... I'm going to be totally lost on why I feel this way, heh.
On the whole I am feeling better and really excited about getting back to Tucson. It's really fucking cold here at Gender Pac.
Ok, I can't finish my post because I'm being pulled away from some workshops on gender issues. Fun... I'll try to post before I lave for the airport tomorrow morning at like 2 AM, lol. That make sit about 5 here!
PS And oh boy do I have something to bitch about when I have the time...
May. 20th, 2006 @ 08:03 am
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| » When will this feeling go away? |
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After a totally sleepless night filled with crying and regret I am finding that I'm still in the same place I was last night. My heart breaks for Silver... like it's crying out for him. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself that I can't have him, it wouldn't shut up... it would just keep feeling like it needed him... I can't seem to stop torturing myself.
Some of you have told me that I should still go to AC... maybe find someone new. It's a good argument, one for serious consideration, so thank you. However, I'm still very much afraid of what I may do at AC to ruin my reputation even further than this.
I hope that through therapy I can not only get better as a person on the whole but get over Silver as well... it's not healthy to be addicted to someone like a drug... I know... but much like a drug I can't stop and I can't seem to find a way to that will work for all too long.
I'll try to post my feeling each day, my ups and downs. This is mostly to keep track of them, to give my therapist something to look at to keep track of how I am doing. I want to be normal... I want to have a normal relationship... with Silver... with Tozias... but I'm just a little too fucked up. I know that, as I stand right now, if I found out that Silver was single again I'd beg for him to take me back... it's not right.
I really want to ask him, “Is there any chance... at all... of you and I getting back together one last time?” but I think right now I'm not ready for the answer. Part of me thinks that Silver isn't quite ready to give it. I'm happy for you Silver and Fen. Silver, your a sweet guy and Fenrir, your love for him is endless and you deserve him for all the crap he put you through to finally get where you are and I have no right to infringe upon that. Tozias... gods I'm sorry. I've hurt you the most of all. After all this you think that my entire relationship with you was a sham... that I never loved you and still only loved Silver. Thats not true... I know that but at that the same time I don't know what else to say. My emotions all all over me like crappy spin art. I just can't seem to make sense of anything and all I feel is sadness.
I have to go to capital hill today and talk to Senator John Mccain about gender issues... I hear he's a cool guy... I just hope I can fake normality enough for him to listen....
May. 19th, 2006 @ 03:46 am
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| » It sucks to look at your life and find how much work you have to do to get to ok... |
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Ok, heres the deal. I've been living my life, as of late, through a haze of lies. I've been lying to myself about everything so I don't have to deal with the cruelty of real life and the painful consequences of my own actions.
I'm currently is Washington DC right now at Gender Pac, a gender issues summit, it's the last thing on my mind right now.
Today I did something mighty dumb but trigged a sequence of events. Today I sent an E-mail to Silver begging for him to take me back... saying things like I want to start over and that I want to marry him and things like that, totally ignoring the fact that I had suspicious that him and Fenrir and finally gotten together. I wrote that letter this morning.
(Even now I am having trouble brining myself to write this) Later, Shale IMs me and says he says he saw Silver's cock on LJ... so OF COURSE I looked... and couldn't find it... but I found Fen's... so I looked into Silver's LJ and found “I LOVE YOU FENRIR!”... the lies couldn't hold up anymore and I couldn't pretend that Silver was still single and interested in a shit like me. So I asked him if they were together and he said yes. I watched as the foundation of the house of cards that was this life-wide lie I told myself had it's foundation shaken for the final time and it fell... in a heart breaking and sickening apocalypse of the self.
This started a domino effect. For the last two months I have been single, as some of you know. They have been because of my actions. He left I played around online with people when Tozias had asked me not to and I hurt him... a lot... hell, I even pronounced my never ending love for Silver when I was drunk at a party... I don't remember that... also I didn't as much attention to him as I should have and put a lot of other things first. What none of you know is that throughout these last two months I have treated Tozias like my mate... thinking that I was still with him, thinking nothing had happened. I live with him now... I told some of you that it was because I had no choice. That was a lie too... I did have a choice but I wanted to move in with him because I still think he is my mate... well... up until about an hour ago. Hell, even when I found out that he had a new mate I disregarded it... ignored it so I could propagate this illusion I have for myself. I've been telling myself lies in almost every facet of my life to protect me from reality and I'm finding that I'm taking after my father in a very scary way.
All the males on my dad's side of the family are manic depressive and bi-polar. They have tried killing themselves more than once. I think that I'm showing symptoms of depression. Instead of killing myself though, I throw out the life I don't want and choose to live in a fantasy more my taste.
I can't deal with reality like a normal person, and I nearly wanted to die during this whole break down when the horrors of reality and my own actions and how that as much as I love Silver and want to be with him again... it wont happen... EVER. I also need to see I had my chances with Tozias and I fucked that up and nothing will EVER make it better (I have a feeling the fact I can't get over Silver may have had a role in that). I can't get over things if I just pretend they don't exist. Or change whats really happening into something that is only a fabrication
After all this I called my mom and talked to her. I admitted that I have a problem and I need help... I need something to get me healthy. I'm going to go see a shrink next week and get tested for various phycoseese (spelling!? NEVER!). I can't keep living lies... I can't deny the truth because it will only lead to a time where I wont be able to handle it when the cards fall again and I will kill myself. I don't want that to happen so I'm going to get some help... hell... maybe it'll work and I'll be able to get on with my life. It's better then trying to sweep my problems under the rug because I can't handle how unfair and horrible life really is....
I think thats about all I have to say... if I feel the urge to write anything else I'll post again. Thank you Shale... you, without knowing it... helped me out a lot tonight. Same to you Tozias, it feels good to hear your voice saying that you will be there for me... and thank you Silver... for being honest. It hurts to tell the truth... especially if your have the feeling it hurt the person... hurts a whole lot more if your me....
To sum up... I'm Crazy... doomed to be alone. My goals are to finally realize that I'm too fucked up to be with Tozias and that Silver is NEVER going to be with me again.... ok... at least they are down on paper...
PS... I don't think I can go to AC now... I think I'll just make a fool of myself. Anyone have any suggestions of how to handle that?
May. 18th, 2006 @ 08:58 pm
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| » Someone MUST have put a curse on me, that has to be it! |
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Wow, what a fucking few days. It seems that, in a literal and symbolic sense, that when it rains, it pours. Christmas went off without a hitch, it was nice to see my family and get some really nice gifts in the process, like a leather jacket for instance that I'll eventually have a picture of. However, directly following Christmas, I seem to have had the worse luck in the entire world and it shows no signs of stopping, much like the rain outside my window.
For starters, on Sunday things were going along pretty well. I was reading a nice book, chatting online and enjoying some of the presents I had received the previous day, then Cain says he is going to movie, The Life Aquatic, he is getting picked up and I ask if I can get picked up too. The person picking up Cain had already left so I had to fend for myself for a ride, fortunately I had a car. I leave with time to spare so I wasn't rushing, I was getting off the freeway and I hit the brakes.... they didn't work. I must have slipped on something or they failed but all I remember is them suddenly screeching to life like 2 feet from the car in front of me, I rear ended a lady doing like 50. My radiator, at that point, marries the engine and refuses to get a separation. If my car being totaled isn't bad enough, when the cop arrives to take the report I find that my mom neglected to tell me that she forgot to put the registrations in the car, a $500 fine, THEN I find that there is now valid insurance, another fine, the amount of which has yet to be given, I later find that my mom was letting me drive with NO ISSURENCE because the insurance company was betting on me NOT getting into a wreck. I also get to take traffic school, defensive driving where they tell you how to only hurt yourself in the event that your car malfunctions, so now I need to find a way to get to that on the 15th in Tucson. PLUS my court date is on the 26th, I'll be in class, I hope that my mom's lawyer friend will represent me pro bono. Now my car is sitting outside, totaled. By the way, if you are wondering, the damage to the other car is minimal and they did have insurance but they are complaining about neck and back pain.... me on the other hand, all I get is stress and soreness, I didn't see a doctor.
That only happened a few days ago, however, I didn't even get 24 hours before the next things happens. I get up in the morning, feeling horrible, wanting to die or at least hoping the night before was a bad dream and I wake to find everything just fine.... I take a shower hoping that my dreams of normality have come true. There is no hot water... I take the worlds coldest shower and decide against shaving, I don't feel like it. My mom has been having some troubles with the heaters lately so I tell her that she is going to need to tell me how to reset the hot water heater. Turns out that my mom spent the money she wanted to use on the electric bill on my accursed leather jacket.... now I feel worse AND the power is restricted. That night my mom wants hot water... so she uses the microwave. Microwaves take up a lot of power when in use and it trips the meter and completely shuts off the power. We call the electric company and they tell us that we need to reset the meter. The meter is behind a locked door, so we call the maintenance guy out and he yells at me because he lives like 50 miles away in fountain hills.... the ON CALL EMERGENCY maintenance guy lives 50 miles way, genius. So at first he refuses to come by then I threaten to tell the management and he grumbles and says he'll be by in 45 minutes. When he comes by we can't find the meter and he is yelling at me about how “this is your problem, you chose this (getting the power turned off) and you really should have waited (...and lived in complete darkness and cold) until normal business hours.” We finally get the meter reset and he leaves without so much as a goodbye even though I wished him a happy and safe night, asshole. In the mean time Ryan, my brother was running about outside... he fell and hit his head. When he came back inside my mom looked at his head and said “OH MY GOD!” I ran it to find Ryan with road rash on his forehead and complaining of neck pain. I instantly think neck injury and have him lie down. He complains about neck pain even worse and bends his head. I beg and plead for him to sit back straight, that that would be best if he has a neck injury... but... “Dr.” Mom and Ryan think it would be best if he WALK AROUND AND KEEP HIS HEAD BENT DOWN, that if there is no pain then he is not making things worse.... Well, I call Steve and he drives down to pick us up, at the hospital my mom is freaking out and Ryan is taken to Triage and put into a neck brace. I decide that it would be best if only mom stayed with him (mainly because I wouldn't be able to wait WITH him and be in the lobby, by myself for what would be seven hours). So I went to a LAN party that was happening last night to relive some stress and kill some guys in Rune and Counterstrike. Turns out that Ryan has fractured his C-3 in two places. The neurologist said the were like the world's smallest fractures but he will need to be in a neck brace for the next 6-12 weeks. So now I have taking care of him until I go back to school on the 9th.
Now we get to what I guess at this hour is yesterday, I do the whole electrical bill thing. I a story I would rather not tell because even now I can't breathe just THINKING how stressful that was. Today was not great, but not like the past few. It was my birthday as well. Gave my brother the presents we bought him, I don't get any because I wrecked the car and my mom couldn't shop for any, and more guilt washes over me. A few people wished me a happy birthday online and it meant a lot. Cain and Tigerpaws came for a very brief visit, guess they were tired and needed some rest, but it was nice that they came over. Heh, although it does kinda sucks that nearly EVERYBODY from high school and who hang out with me in college completely forgot. Oh well, guess that is not here nor there.
To sum up, I am drained and I can barley breathe. I am looking at several thousand dollars in debt and fines and I have no way to pay it. I'm all alone in terms of a relationship and I STILL have to take care of everybody. So yeah, life REALLY sucks right now. Hopefully the new year will be a new start and bring better things. So, that was my report, hopefully all you guys are all caught up on my life now.
May things go better for you than they have me,
-Canto
Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 12:46 am
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Hey there, sorry I havent posted in a while, things have been UNBER hectic for me as of late. However, I am proud to say that I am doing a lot better, even if I am minus one wolfie.
In other news, I teamed up with another wolfie for a Gay and Lesbian studies project. We did a magazine called The OUTsider, here is a link to the online version. Feedback would be abosoluty priceless.... who is that hottie on the cover?
http://www.u.arizona.edu/~cantost/
Dec. 10th, 2004 @ 06:01 pm
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It's over... no more charade... no more. It's over between me and Michael.... I wasn't willing to be a liability to him in thew Air Force anymore. Apparently Tiger wolf has all this power over every aspect of the military that he could have him outed for any fucking reason at all. So yeah, if I;m not good enough and Silver isn't willing to fight to prove that isn't so. He still talks to Tigerwolf... I also found out that I would call him sometimes and that he would look at his phone... see that it was me and just say “I don't feel like talking to him”.... wow... thanks. I apparently am just an add on to his dream in life... he just wants to take care of things himself... I tried so hard to get him to let me help and he wont let me... and he wont fight... I'm just tired. I am tired of all of this. I really do love Silver with all my heart and soul, but I just can't be that much of a risk for him. All I want is for him to be happy... his happiness is to own a wolf sanctuary and to design his own video game... fine. If you and I can still be together after you achieve all you want in life then fine, we can start from there... but I'm not going to worry about you night and day for you to not open up to me just because I can;t be stoic about how I feel about us. I think Silver, you have a lot of growing up to do, you have a lot to think about. The only way I can see you to do that effectively is by yourself. You need to not worry about me anymore and I can;t worry about you. Look on the bright side buddy, now Tigerwolf can't do anything. He scared you... you ran away, don't tell me you didn't. You had the chance to really stand up for us and you failed to do so, that I can't deal with.
I only wanted you to be happy... I wished to god that your happiness included me... but it doesn't. I hope you and Tigerwolf are happy together because I just can't see how you being with anyone but him will make things go well for you, he has too much power. Have a good life Michael... I'll miss you and will always love you.
May all your days end with pie.
Brandon Toussaint
Nov. 28th, 2004 @ 12:44 am
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Due to public outcry at this I feel it necessary to apologize for my last post. I am not this poor at writing so I'll do my best in future posts to make sure they are up to par for everyone to read. If I could have anyone proofread my posts before I post them I'd appreciate it. Also, I belive that I will stop posting personal things about how I feel in here, I've been getting complaints that my journal isn't readable by everyone so I'll only post how good a new video game is or if I ate a sanwich. You guys just don't need to know about my feelings or more intimate or mature hapenings. Once again I apologize for not writing well.
-Canto
Nov. 17th, 2004 @ 07:50 am
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